Thursday, December 19, 2013

A White Christmas

When I first moved down to the South, I felt very homesick for the first two years, especially during the Christmas holidays because it's too warm here to have snow.  So Christmas was grey and boring to me and I missed my white snowy Christmas and my family :(
 
But when I remember the two hours I spent each day shoveling the driveway and clearing the stairs and I felt a little less sad ;-) 
 
My friend sent me a really funny story I would like to share with you.  It's about a guy who just moved to Canada in winter.  Below is  his journal pages.  It's long but so funny because I could totally relate to every single thing that happened to him (except the ending which I didn't experience LOL).
 
Happy reading!
 
Warning: Strong language!

December 8: 6:00 PM. 
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: 
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: 
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
 
December 14: 
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
 
December 15: 
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
 
December 16:  
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
 
December 17: 
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
 
December 20: 
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
 
December 22: 
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
 
December 23: 
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
 
December 24: 
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow. 
 
December 25: 
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
 
December 26: 
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
 
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
 
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
 
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
 
December 30: 
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: 
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: 
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

17 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh...so funny! I used to live up north & now live in Georgia. If we get any snow even a dusting, everything shuts down. So funny, but I don't miss the shoveling for sure!
    Lisa

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    Replies
    1. I sometimes miss it for a fleeting moment and then I don't as soon as I remember the shoveling LOL

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  2. Hilarious! Didn't realize shoveling was so bad.
    Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!
    Hugs, Drora

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    1. Oh yes, shoveling is the bane of winter! Thank you Drora! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too!

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  3. Replies
    1. Hugs to you Jennifer! I hope you won't get too much snow either!

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  4. Hello from Spain: a beautiful story. I prefer a Christmas without snow with sunshine and warmth. In my town does not snow but it rains a lot. Keep in touch

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    1. I think rain is actually not so bad as we have it here too! Snowy Christmas is only beautiful if it does not last too long :)

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  5. HAHA! Funny! I love snow. I know better than to ever hope for a white Christmas, but I do love snow. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Same here darling! We all want snow for Christmas!

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  6. Replies
    1. I am a Canadian too Leanne and I thought it depicted perfectly the Canadian winters LOL

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  7. Hilarante, cette histoire, je commence cette journée en riant, c'est génial !
    Le plus chez moi, 45 cm de neige, un matin, très dur en ville (glissades, et aussi : oh ! le maudit chasse-neige ... Zut ! Il faut ressortir la pelle )
    Bonne journée à vous. rosethé

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    Replies
    1. 45cm? C'est beaucoup!!! Bon courage avec le pelletage! :D

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  8. Tough ending, but I can understand his frustration. I also hate snow and so far we have not had anything this winter. I'm crossing my fingers, that we did not get anything in the new year. Snow is adorable in our cottage because it remained in a forest, but snow in a city is dirty and just impassable.
    Thanks for a fun story.
    Hugs
    Wyrna

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    Replies
    1. I agree that Snow is really nice in the countryside and up in the mountains. It's a nightmare in the city!

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  9. Hilarious! My kind of humour!!! I am keeping my fingers crossed, so far we've had a few storms and lots of sunshine. Today, winter solstice, it's raining. This might be the tipping point into winter. One advantage: so much water in Holland, if winter comes, we will all go scating!!!
    X
    Véronique

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